My recent self-sabotage moment (and how I overcame it)

A few days ago I was dropping my SO (significant other) off at work and noticed a beautiful young female who also works with him standing outside. I immediately took in her long shiny hair which did not include any greys she is clearly much younger than me. Wearing a cute fashionable beanie hat with a contagious smile. 

Shi$! 

Instantly.  Triggered.

Why am I so triggered by this I’m asking myself?!

I know he probably sees lots of beautiful women on a daily, it’s life. I’ve never been bothered like this before.

I felt the drowning and swell of jealousy fill every cell in my body. I even felt angry at him, for the potential threat I’ve just witnessed.

He left out of the car and I drove to work.

I allowed myself to feel jealous and angry. I allowed myself to think thoughts of wishing he would quit his job, and imagining me yelling at him for cheating (In my mind). I felt it all. These invasive feelings and thoughts felt so real. 

Then, I got real with myself.

He’s shown no signs of leaving me, cheating, or lying. He’s shown me respect when it comes to our monogamy and partnership. In fact, he’s been doing a lot of work with me to evolve US. I knew in my heart this had nothing to do with him. I asked myself, what’s going on with me?

From doing years of inner work I know that inner security and independence within come from our own source energy and alignment with ourselves. What is lacking within I ask myself? Why is this very real feeling of attack, insecurity, and feeling threatened affecting me like this? Why now? 

I heard the words almost instantly, Self-love.

That’s it. In these last few weeks, I’ve leaned on him to provide me with safety, security, and validation. When I know no one can provide this except me. What am I afraid of right now I ask? The answer came right away. I’m afraid once I have this baby my body will be just, big. I won’t be attractive to him anymore. I’m afraid my emotions will be all over the place due to the shift in hormones and lack of sleep a new baby brings. I won’t be attractive and I won’t be fun. There it is. A boring ugly women he will have no desire to be with. This is my fear. 

Wow! Ok this is my fear. I understand logically that my body is going through this huge transition. I say to myself I'm being so hard on myself right now. I acknowledge how real this feels within me. The little girl within me is afraid of what she cannot control. Afraid of what has not even happened. What does she need right now? My wise inner mother voice steps in and says, You're scared and this is normal. Be gentle with yourself. You are safe in your body. You are safe here. Your body knows always what to do. You are okay.

I remind myself my body knows how to heal. I know how to ask for support. And being a mom to this little girl is what I’ve wanted, a dream come true. And if my fear happens that I’d become an emotional wreck and huge beyond belief I’ll go with the wave. Riding it being gentle on myself, a reminder to be loving and patient with my body and mind as it carries me through this life experience. I've done this before and I can do it again. I am resourceful and know how to ask for support and to know what my body and mind need. 

I shared my fears with him that night. He sat and listened then gave me a big hug. 

I felt relieved. I had taken a pause long enough to find the answer within. I felt safe. Clear. And gave me unconditional love. The kind of love involving thoughts and feelings that no one can ever truly give us. This kind of love roots from within each one of us being for us to acknowledge and receive it. I knew that this was my work, to receive my own love right now. The kind of love I freely give to everyone else. The kind of love I give to my boys and now my baby girl. The kind of gentle yet strong love we embody and really feel within.

In the past, I would have let the trigger and fear run the show. I would have taken action with words that would have come across as accusing him and making him feel on trial seeking safety in a situation where I had the power to give that to myself. I went to the dark deep honest space within to find and uncover what this fear was about. There’s a difference between the knowing and intuition of feeling that something is off and a reason to have that trigger versus knowing when it’s an internal trigger that comes from a shortage of self-love and fear. It’s easier to give others unconditional love, grace, and patience and much harder to give that to ourselves. But it’s possible. Our spirit wants us to feel the internal love that God/ Universe feels about us from the moment we entered the womb. 

Here are a few mantras and tips you can say to yourself when you feel triggered.

Take deep breaths and pause. There is power in the pause I have personally learned. 

When heavy emotions take over keep asking yourself questions. Is this true? Do I know for a fact this is true? Have I asked the person if this is true? What am I feeling? What are my fears and thoughts? 

Take out a pen and paper and write these thoughts and feelings down. Sometimes we stop right before we get to our own edge of the fear and don't allow ourselves to fully go there. But I encourage you to do just that. Go there. Experience what the worst-case scenario is, and write it down. Most of our worst-case scenario fears never happen. But revealing them and being honest with ourselves will reveal the root of the trigger. 

This mantra has supported me: I am safe. I am okay. My body was made for this. The universe/God is always looking out for me and has a plan, I am worthy. 

I wanted to share this to let you know that “the work” never ends and we are always learning and evolving. 

I have been doing deep work myself that has supported me in deepening my relationships, my inner self-love and dialog, and business. I've been called to start my women's sacred circle again. This will be different than before, deeper. We will find our edges, we will go there, and then we will find our center. In a safe and sacred space, together. If this in any way is calling you. I invite you to trust the nudge, trust the call. Send me a message to let me know you are ready for more. You are ready to evolve higher, experience your desires, and end the self-sabotage. Reply to me and stay tuned for an announcement. 

I believe in you.

Keep shining,

Angela Rose